What dreams may come...

I had a dream, last night, that I had a little baby boy. Maybe a week or two old? I'm not sure where I gave birth but at the time I was in my bed. No blankets, just a white sheet. (Which is interesting because I've decided that I want to have a home birth... One day) So...

I am there on my bed, alone at first. Maybe there had been something keeping me from seeing my little guy for the week or so since I'd given birth. Though, I didn't know at the time I had. Then someone, unknown to me, brings me the baby that I didn't know was mine until this person handed him to me and, much like in breaking dawn, it just clicked and I was in awe of this little creature I was holding just gazing back at me. I felt like he knew i was his mommy too, and that made him feel happy and safe. The more the realization of his being mine sunk in, the more ...just.. Sentimental and proud and amazed I was. I remember thinking, "oh my god, he looks so healthy and just so... perfect."

That was pretty much the dream but to further describe: there was no one else around me once he was in my arms. Whomever had brought him to me had left the room, but I feel that maybe they were standing by in the next room or somewhere close. Like watching over us both. I also felt like everyone in my life knew about this baby and the close/important ones were all all either there or we'll informed about it. But they weren't actually there with me. Somewhere close by, not as close as this unkown person but still there. Like maybe in the parking lot or going out to pick up coffee real quick and come back.

Anyway, it's a haunting feeling that proud,awesome amazement. Like how something so beautiful and perfect could come from me.

Is that what it's like?

A whole new can of worms.

When you whine about being depressed, I shed light on solutions or sources, and you procede to argue how you're depressed and are going to remain depressed and nothing to be done about it... you are annoying and I will continue to bring up valid arguements against woe-is-me and defend the mere fact that I am right. Your feeling sorry for yourself does not allow you to tell me I'm wrong.
Cling to your bad mood. Nothing wrong with that. Everyone's entitled to one every once in a while... but don't drag it on and on day to day and be a buzz-kill for the rest of the world. Everyone has fucking bullshit SOMEWHERE in their lives. Life is never perfect, but why waste every single moment of it being purposefully unhappy? Once you start asking yourself that question, things should start making more sense. Life is going to happen whether we like it or not. Evolve and allow yourself to be happy in the midst of it. :)

Moving to Canada

I'm [not] sorry, I can't do that.
From this:

To this:

...Need I say more?

Blue

I don't know if I'm just being hormonal or if there is any merit to being .....well... Just sad, right now. Not off-the-deep-end-depressed. Just sad. Like I could cry, if I wanted to. IM'd my mom earlier and got on a whole big issue. I should've kept my mouth shut. It's impossible to explain something to someone who only knows how to communicate from their side. Don't know why I bother. I pretty much have it coming.

I'm sleepy. I'm moody. Not pregnant. Thank god, but at least then I would have a reason for this nonsense. Guys like to joke, as if it's some kind of thing girls enjoy doing. Umm...NO! We like our sanity. We like being logical. Things are easier and happier when we are. But nature designed us to be more complex than that, so that we can provide the nurturing our offspring would require. Nature, perhaps, got it right. Men can be quite simple and call themselves complicated. The ones who won't admit their stupidity are usually the STUPID ones.

Sorry... I'm not trying to go on a man-bashing tirade. I'm just a victim of what I am accused. It just really sucks when you can see yourself from the outside and know how silly you're being when you are and not really have much control over what comes out of your mouth (or eyes) until it already is.

Well my dogs just jumped up on me, making it incredibly difficult to type, confirming that I surely have some terminal illness and they're just trying to comfort me through it. Lol. They sure are sweet.

I are trendy!

Well, well, well. Look at me, posting from my brand spankin' new iPad. :D

Unforch the blogger app in the apple app store is merely the mobile app. Bleh. I are not impressed.

I am, however, impressed by the spell correction on this thing. No matter the retardation, it seems to be able to decipher what I'm butchering.

I am le tired. Perhaps later I shall share some pearls of wisdom. I got nothin right now. The most interesting thing I did tonight was paint my nails purple.

Later world! :)

P.S. Does anyone read this thing anymore?! Methinks not.

Welcome back, cold.

I do so dislike the way we've gone from summer to chilly fall within a week's time. How about a little ease into arctic death for once, nature? Yeah, yeah, not your style, I know. At least I have my beloved heater.

Much trouble has been caused by my inability to be normal. In the past, I have had a laundry list of people and reasons to blame. Though, I am here today, unable to pinpoint a reason why I have kept the insanity alive. I have everything I've been fundamentally missing. Yet, I am holding onto the feeling that I don't.
Sure, I could entertain my sneaking suspicion that I'm so used to being shat on, therefor I am having trouble adjusting to the concept of a shit-free life...
But that's a lazy excuse, and I'm smarter than that. However used to having a reason to cry and be upset I am, it's time I pull on my big girl pants and move on.
I need to stop expecting (and subsequently looking for) terrible things. At this point, the only thing I have to pull myself down is me. STOP IT, silly girl!
I have not mere pieces of the life I dreamed, but the entire thing. The ability to love and receive love from every. single. person. I am related to. I know that my father is aware of my existence and I speak to him on a semi-regular basis. I am able to appreciate my mother for all the positive things about her and let go of the negative.
I have the exact epitome of everything I ever wanted in a significant other, in my amazing boyfriend. Even when I'm furiously irate with him, his mannerisms impress me.
His ability to live with this crazy lunatic is admirable and astounding. He is more forgiving of me than I am.

I now realize that what was once my justified hatred of the way things go has now become a crippling hindrance to my LIVING the life I've hoped I'd eventually have.
And I walk around expecting myself to fail miserably at school...
To be called to my boss' office and be fired any day now...

I sell myself short. I have already done an incredibly difficult thing: I have attracted the things in life that were so crucial to my happiness.
Now let's show them all we really want it, and appreciate every single second of it.
Shall we?

"If you lived here, you'd be home by now."

That is what I think every time I pass our future apartment. Only a matter of hours left.

I needs.

Its quite simple. I need need a better camera.

I take some with my digital camera here and some with my Samsung Epic there. But none will suffice, if they are not meant to take great pictures.

Happy, Happy, Joy, Joy

Love love LOVE this post! :D

I rode my bike to work this morning.

The random things that pop into your head on a bike > stressing about the day ahead in a car.

I feel alive.

Must remember to take pics on the way.

I want to do this, everyday.

Today was slow.

Monkey was my only company at work. I'm debating whether or not that's a bad thing.

I closed my icky Bank of America accounts today. Yesssss. That place is nothing but fees, so I washed my hands of them. Ta ta! My goal is to, one day, be free of this debt. I want to get super simple. I never understood why some people always use cash and are so against debit/credit cards and banks. Figured they were just old and paranoid and it wasn't really that big a deal.

Now I know better. Simplicity is the way to go. No debt, no worries. Credit companies are full of crap. I'm so glad I realized it now before I had the chance to get too far in. So, once I'm all paid up with my credit card and school loans, goodbye credit BS. No more.

I want to live out in the middle of nowhere. Living off the land.

Free.

At the moment, I am sitting in my sister's living room, half-way babysitting my nephew with my mother. Life is better than ever. I can't remember a time I was this happy since I was a kid.

Slacker Radio continues to play ads and give headline news that I couldn't care less about. I haven't had cable for the better part of a year and I rather prefer it that way.

I am getting quite in touch with my surroundings. Getting a feel for where I live and smelling the roses a lot instead of living vicariously through TV and what's going on in the entertainment world... well... okay, I'll admit I get my gossip fix via PinkIsTheNewBlog, but that's only on weekdays. At work. When there's nothing better to do.

Yesterday, a lady patient told me I look like I've lost 15 lbs. "What does 15lbs look like, exactly?" I wondered. Yet her compliment just made my mood even better.

Commuting by bike is really one of the all-around best things I've ever done, I think.

You should do it, too! ;)